I didn’t know how much being a mama would change me. I didn’t know how much I’d love it. How much I’d love you.

I didn’t know how much joy I would have from watching you sleep. From holding you in my arms, from seeing you smile.

I didn’t know how fast time would go. How it feels like you’ve already grown up. How I miss your infant stage.

I didn’t know how hard breastfeeding would be. How I would cry for weeks over the pain and the longing to keep going despite it.

And I didn’t know how joyful and sweet it could be to breastfeed now that we’ve found our rhythm. How you sneak smiles at me while you eat. How it melts my heart.

I didn’t know the pressure I would feel to keep life as normal as possible. To do the chores, and keep up with things in the same way. I didn’t know how much of a gift it is just to snuggle you, to hold you tight, to soak up every moment.

I didn’t know that my whole world would change. How when I hear of school shootings or friends going through loss, I say a prayer and hold you a little tighter. How I cry tears of sadness for those whom I’ve never met.

For all these things I didn’t know and more I am profoundly grateful to be your Mama.

“The cleaning and scrubbing
Can wait ’til tomorrow,
For babies grow up,
I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust, go to sleep.
I’m nursing my baby,
And babies don’t keep.”

From The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (adapted from ‘Song for a Fifth Child,’ by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton)

Originally published on Where the Pineapple Grows on March 6, 2018.