Written by Haley Husband
A wise mom of grown children sent us her sparknotes version of a book when our son was just hitting the toddler phase and it has stuck with me ever since. The book was titled “Making the Terrible Twos Terrific” by John Rosemond. From what I gathered, the main thesis is shifting your children’s mindset from “I am the center of the universe” to “mom and dad are the center of the universe.” When our children are newborns and infants they have to be the center of the universe because they depend on us for everything. Once they hit toddlerhood they start to become more independent and self-sufficient and will test us to see how much they can still get away with. This is a critical time to teach our children how parents desire the best for them and command their attention. As a Christian parent, I believe this mindset parallels God as our Heavenly Father and the obedience he commands from us. What a special and unique time for us to show our children how we listen to God and desire for them to listen as well.
I am a Behavior Analyst by day and mommy of two by day…and night! However, I hardly ever take my behavior analysis hat off because the strategies I use with the children I work with have been some of the building blocks of compliance in our household. I’m going to share with you some of my favorite tips and tricks for situations that might arise throughout your day that may be the most challenging. Hopefully these tips will help gently remind your children they are not the center of the universe 🙂
Priming: If you know your child has a hard time transitioning away from a highly preferred activity, prime them by setting a timer or giving them a warning, “you have five more minutes” before the transition. In our house we will usually honor a polite request for one more minute.
First/then Statements: By using a first/then statement you are showing your child what needs to be done and what they can do after that task is completed. If brushing their teeth has been particularly challenging try saying “first brush your teeth, then we can read books!” Ideally, you would use the less preferred activity as the first and a more preferred activity as the then— this helps with building motivation to complete non-preferred tasks. First you have to go potty, then we can play outside!
Offering choices: Toddlers love to have a say in the matter, right? You are running out the door and your daughter is refusing to put her shoes on. Offer her a choice. “Do you want the pink sparkly shoes or the white sneakers?” I usually recommend sticking to two or three choices so as to not overwhelm them and to still maintain control over the choices given. They will feel some autonomy within the limits you set. This has also been great to motivate my son to get dressed in the morning. I usually pick out two shirts and lay them on the floor so he can pick which one he wants to wear.
High probability sequence: or motivational momentum, which is a fancy way of saying building motivation and confidence when a task may seem way out of reach for your child. Start by presenting 3-5 very simple instructions that you know your child can complete without your support, then present the more challenging task. For example, your playroom is a total disaster and you want your child to clean up. Start by asking them to pick up one block at a time, then once they have some momentum with individual blocks have them pick up the rest. I have also been doing this with my three year old son to check that his “listening ears are working.” I’ll say “oops it sounds like your listening ears are turned off… let’s check to see if they are still working. Ok touch your eyes… good those are your eyes! Now turn around… wow that was fast! Now jump three times… excellent your ears are working! Ok, now I want you to take your plate to the sink.”
Visual Schedules: Sometimes our children just need to know what the plan is. A visual schedule can help make the concept more salient for them to know what to expect. Maybe bedtime has become particularly difficult and you need to get back to the basics. Pull out a white board or a simple piece of paper and brush up on your cartooning skills and pick the basics to draw on your schedule. Brush teeth, pajamas on, read books, say a prayer, go to sleep. After each one, you can check it off the list to show them what is coming next and that the ultimate step is getting in bed and going to sleep.
Reinforce independence: Lastly, praise your child for exhibiting independent skills or desiring to be independent. Allow them to dress themselves and practice putting on each article of clothing. Let them help you push the cart at the grocery store. Involve them in daily tasks like mixing pancakes, cleaning the bathroom, brushing their teeth, unloading the dishwasher, and sorting the laundry. If they are not yet proficient with some of these skills it’s a great time to practice “my turn/your turn” so you still have the opportunity to teach them to tolerate your help and perfect their new skills. For example, my son has been wanting to brush his teeth on his own. I don’t trust that he is fully able to brush every single one of his teeth to the standard I hold but how will he learn if I don’t give him the opportunity to try! I’ll let him have a turn first (including putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush) and then it’s mommy’s turn.
Our main goal as parents during this season of life is to teach our children to listen and obey and to be independent. I have absolutely loved watching my three-year old navigate the world and discover his place in it. The pendulum is constantly swinging between his desire to do it himself and for us to do everything for him; one minute he is sweetly asking for a banana and the next he is screaming for a piece of tape because he didn’t want you to open it for him. Toddlers require a lot of patience and grace and I have found these tips to be simple ways of arranging your environment that help tremendously with those tough times we all face with our children throughout the day.
Haley Husband lives in Westerville, Ohio with her husband, Matthew, and their two sweet children Jacoby (3) and Lucia (1). She works part time as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst in a preschool with students diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. She loves her job and the flexibility that being part time allows her to be a mommy too! She loves to cook, play outside, and travel!
