Before I had Aiden, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I assumed it would be challenging, but that we would figure it out. And hey, I had read 1/3 of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding so I felt like I was prepared, right? (Shakes head fervently)

In the Hospital

Fast forward to the moment Aiden was placed upon my chest after being born and he tried breastfeeding, and it was love at first sight. I didn’t really know what I was doing or whether it was working, but I was smitten.

Fast forward a little more to Aiden losing weight in the hospital (most babies do) and breastfeeding being pretty confusing and all around painful. There came a moment when a lactation consultant came to our room during the night and mentioned that Aiden’s weight was dropping enough that we may need to consider supplementing with formula if he doesn’t start gaining weight soon.

Right here was the moment. The one that was make or break for our breastfeeding relationship. She could have insisted that I start using formula, but instead she suggested I try using the hospital pump. She showed me how to use it, when, and how to feed Aiden using a syringe instead of a bottle so that he wouldn’t get nipple confusion.

We then began a process of breastfeeding, pumping, and then feeding Aiden with a syringe what I pumped. After doing this for a few feedings through the night, Aiden’s weight increased and the question of supplementing was put to rest. Not only that, but my milk supply began to come in quickly and with enough to spare. This lactation consultant literally saved Aiden and my breastfeeding relationship.

I say that not because it’s not good to use formula but simply because using formula starts your supply on a decreasing trajectory. For every time that baby eats, mom needs milk to be extracted in order to keep her supply up. If those numbers aren’t even, mom can get either an over-supply or an under-supply and an under-supply is especially hard to correct.

Discovering a Tongue Tie

You’d think from this make or break moment, that it’d be all sunshine and rainbows from there but it wasn’t. We didn’t realize until one week after Aiden’s birth that he had an anterior tongue tie which is why breastfeeding had been so painful. A baby’s ability to use their tongue is very important for extracting milk without causing pain, and because babies learn to suck in the womb, Aiden had learned a pattern of sucking that just didn’t work well for breastfeeding.

So for the week while he had a tongue tie, and the month after that it took him to learn to use his tongue, breastfeeding was extremely painful. Were I to go back through the whole experience, I would have checked for a tongue tie while still in the hospital and had it clipped immediately to help with breastfeeding. Neither Matt nor I had ever heard of a tongue tie before, but apparently they are quite common and you better believe all of our future children will be getting checked for them.

So for 5 weeks, nursing 8-12 times per day was excruciating. I told Matt it was more painful than labor. This is probably TMI but I had to be prescribed special cream to re-grow parts of my nipples – it was that bad. We read book, after article, after youtube video trying to figure out the best latch, technique, position, you name it.

And the feelings I had about it went from fear over the pain, to guilt because I didn’t want to feed my son, to sadness because I thought this was supposed to be special, to anger because it wasn’t, to confusion and jealousy because it seemed to work for other moms, then to small moments of joy when a rare feeding didn’t end in tears.

It was exhausting. And then one day, after 5 weeks, and a lot of crying out to God (and literal crying), it just clicked. We found a position and latch that worked and breastfeeding since then has become one of my favorite things.

The Weightiness of Breastfeeding

I’ll still say it’s exhausting. There’s so much to learn, it burns crazy amounts of calories so that you feel like you have worked out by the end of the day (plus you are always so hungry!), and there’s a lot of pressure. Pressure because my body sustains his. Because Aiden is completely dependent on me for his life and I am at his beck and call. That’s a lot to handle.

It’s a lot to figure out how to go back to work and make sure he’s well fed. Do you get him on a schedule, or feed him whenever he wants all the time? (We did a hybrid from the book Babywise). How does pumping from home work and keeping everything sanitized? (The first time felt super overwhelming, but you get the hang of it). Or what to do with the oversupply I had and Aiden’s acid reflux (both eventually sorted themselves out). Each of these questions we had to deal with even after breastfeeding got easier.

And yet… there is something unbelievably sweet about him snuggling up and eating. The way he sneaks smiles at me while eats and milk drips down his chin. The way he falls asleep sometimes while eating, or how his little body curls around mine, or how he rests on me in a milk-drunk state after eating. How there is something that only I as his mama, can give him.

At the end of the day, however you feed your child, #fedisbest regardless of whether thats breastfeeding or formula or some combination. I am a big proponent of breastfeeding if you are able, both for the benefits to baby AND to mama (you can ask me about it anytime), but I hope that in reading this post you are encouraged by our rocky breastfeeding journey.

Because sometimes we hear that breastfeeding is sweet and natural and eventually you’ll figure it out, and I’m here to say that much of that is true, but it is also extremely difficult and costly, and what if we talked about that side of it too? My story isn’t even as hard as some stories from other mamas I know, and everyone’s breastfeeding journey is different–so what I hope you hear from this, is the story of a mama who had a hard time with breastfeeding and made it on the other side.

So a few things I would suggest if you’re interested in breastfeeding:

1. Learn from the experts. The La Leche League specializes in breastfeeding and between their book (The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding) and their free monthly get-togethers, I have been super blessed from their experience and teaching. (As in, the moms who volunteer with your local LLL will sit with you, check your latch, and listen to all your breastfeeding woes–believe me, I have been there).

2. In the hospital… use the pump if your baby is having weight gain issues, be slow to supplement with formula and learn from the lactation consultant. All 3 of these jump-started my supply, increased my confidence and protected our breastfeeding relationship.

3. Make sure you have support. Breastfeeding is HARD. You need your husband on board to encourage you, bring you snacks, carry the baby to you and be your cheerleader. Matt was literally like a lactation consultant with how much he was trying to help us find a good latch so don’t be afraid to ask for help and get the support you need.

There’s so many more tips and suggestions but I think those are my top 3. What was breastfeeding like for you? Any other advice for fellow mamas?

This post was originally published on Where the Pineapple Grows March 13, 2018.