Good advice is worth its weight in gold. Now I’m not saying that you’ve never heard any of this advice, but I am saying that some of it is probably new, and worth taking heed. I am an avid reader and researcher, and have loved raising my two boys with this knowledge in hand. I hope it blesses you as you begin your journey as a new parent!
- Receive (and ask for) help – meals, supplies, someone to watch the baby monitor so you can exercise or have a date night. As the kids get older I keep asking for advice from other parents and book recommendations as we keep hitting new stages of childhood that I’m not yet ready for. No one knows what they are doing all the time so don’t be afraid to ask!
- Prioritize your marriage – In The New York Time’s bestseller Brain Rules for Baby, Dr. John Medina says that one of the most important factors for a baby to thrive–i.e. for a child to develop into what Medina calls a, “smart, happy and morally aware kid”– is that they feel safe as a baby. As a baby, they are wired with the goal of surviving. Not necessarily with the goal of playing or learning or any other goal, but first and foremost babies are wired to survive. To help them move beyond the goal to survive into other needs of learning, playing, etc. they need to feel safe. Dr. Medina says that the number 1 factor to a baby feeling safe is whether or not the relationship of their parents is doing well. It’s the number 1 factor that a baby can pick up on in terms of how safe they feel. I don’t have time here to go into all of the research he quotes, and believe me, there is a lot, but let me leave you with some key points:
- More than 80% of couples experience a huge drop in marital quality during the transition to parenthood.
- Hostility between parents can harm a newborn’s developing brain and nervous system.
- The 4 most common sources of marital turbulence are: sleep loss, social isolation, unequal distribution of household workload, and depression. Awareness of these allows couples to create a buffer against them.
- One way to work on strengthening your marriage during this wild new season of parenting is to practice your empathy reflex. As your first response to any emotional situation, describe the emotional changes you think you see, and then make a guess as to their origins. It’s important that they come out as a guess, not as an accusation. It’s inevitable that you will have conflict, but it’s important that you have it in the right way and reconcile in front of your kids as needed. Remember, it helps them feel safe.
- For single or divorced parents, your tribe of friends/family may matter a great deal to your child. Try and embrace the same philosophy with them so your child can feel the safety of a close-knit tribe around them.
- Read some books and implement what you can–much of parenting is going to be learning as you go, but thankfully many have gone before us and have learned a thing or two. We get the opportunity to benefit from their wisdom, while also knowing that every child is different and we need to tailor what we read to our own child and family situation. That being said, some books that I have loved are:
- Babywise and all of its subsequent books in the series – they are so helpful developmentally.
- Feed, wake, sleep rhythms will teach your baby to sleep through the night and get them on a sleep schedule. Your life will be drastically different when your child sleeps through the night. Both of ours began sleeping through the night in the 10-13 week old range.
- Start doing “blanket time” and “individual playtime” even as a baby to encourage brain development and independent play.
- The Happy Sleeper
- Create a nightly bedtime routine
- They provide tips for when the 4 month sleep regression comes and how to help with it. We even used the sleep tips for when our 3 year old started having trouble with naps.
- Brain Rules for Baby – (Again, this book is based on a ton of research!)
- A child’s brain is more interested in surviving than in getting good grades in school.
- What helps early learning: breastfeeding, talking to your child a lot, guided play everyday, and praising effort rather than intelligence – saying, “Wow, you’re so hard working!” instead of “You’re so smart”.
- On speaking to your child: Read and speak to your baby even if you don’t think they can understand you. Dr. Medina says that the gold standard is 2,100 unique words per hour. (This is basically like a normal conversational pace every hour). It will help them learn to speak faster, which will help you know what they want and thus encounter less frustration on both of your parts as you learn to communicate with each other. Not only that but it was found in studies done that, “By age 3, kids who were talked to regularly by their parents had IQ scores 1.5 times higher than those kids whose parents talked to them the least”.
- What hurts early learning: overexposure to TV, a sedentary lifestyle, and limited face to face interaction.
- On TV: No TV until a baby is 2. This gets harder the more kids you have because older children will be watching TV some, but studies show that children have way less self-control and more behavioral issues when they watch TV before the age of 2.
- “For each hour of TV watched daily by children under age 4, the risk increased 9 percent that they would engage in bullying behavior by the time they started school.”
- “For each additional hour of TV watched by a child under the age of 3, the likelihood of an attentional problem by age 7 increased by about 10%. So a preschooler who watches 3 hours/day is 30% more likely to have attentional problems than a child who watches no TV.”
- **That was a lot of research to throw your way. This is only a drop in the bucket from this book. Highly recommend!
- Babywise and all of its subsequent books in the series – they are so helpful developmentally.
- Know that the newborn phase is a season. The sleeplessness is a season. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding is a season. But also, the precious phase when they’re tiny is a season that will quickly pass, so soak it in. If it feels very difficult, know that you can endure and it will get easier. Also, your kids change so quickly. The minute you think you have it figured out, they change on you all over again. I think that’s good because it keeps us humble and in a regular place to grow as parents.
- Everyone has advice to give. Much of it, unsolicited. Be willing to listen to wisdom and advice, knowing that you need to do what is best for your family and that every child is different. God gave you to your child to be their parent! So trust your instincts, but also do some research and listen to some Godly parents you trust. Your children are yours to steward well. You’re going to mess up so let’s address that fear right now. The important thing is that we apologize and learn from it and trust Jesus to work through our inability.
What advice has been helpful for you as a new parent? Anything you’d add to the list?
