Written by Emily Plaster
We thought getting into residency would be the hard part. Instead, it was the complete lifestyle change that really took us by surprise, transitioning from medical school to residency. He was at the bottom of the totem pole, again. This meant early mornings, late nights at the hospital, and frequent weekend shifts in addition to a full 80-hour work week. It felt like never ending days with my two young children.
I would imagine there’s no need to paint the challenging picture of what it looks like to be with your children from sun up to sun down, day in and day out. What I will elaborate on is the toll it has taken when this schedule has remained constant in our lives for months and months with no end in sight; feeling like a single parent when you’re not.
I will be the first to admit I did not deal with this lifestyle change well, and I think that’s ok. God’s design for family was God first, then your spouse, family, then work, but lately it’s felt like my husband is married to work, through no fault of his own. Here I was, responsible for everything but the paycheck in our home. Things didn’t seem fair, I harbored anger toward my husband, projecting my frustration on him instead of processing it in a constructive and healthy way. This was not the lifestyle I’d imagined when we decided to start a family. I became bitter toward his career and periodic praise at work, while my audience responded with tantrums when I put dinner on the table. I’m slowly growing in this temporary season of “single parenthood,” and the Lord has been graciously teaching me some things along the way. I hope some of these strategies below can help you find joy in times of long weeks, months, and possibly years.
Tips for finding joy in the seasons of parenthood when you feel alone:
Find something in creation you can appreciate and visit often. I recently became the owner of 6 backyard chickens and I am the happiest I have been since we started residency. I love teaching my kids the cycle of life, the discipline of regular chores, the entertainment these chickens bring my children…etc. It has paid dividends. I also have a windowsill garden where I plant food scraps and let them regrow, like hearts of romaine, green onions and a garlic clove. This mama doesn’t have time for a full-fledged garden this year, but watching something grow on my windowsill brings me joy. It could be simply bringing attention to the sunrise or sunset. Remembering creation, working the ground, or watching things grow are all things that proclaim the glory of God, and this reminds me just how small I am in the expanse of all the Lord has made.
Don’t rush bedtime. I find bedtime routine can be the last sprint in the marathon of my day. My flesh tells me I’ve done enough, just get these kids clean, throw them in bed and be done for the day. What I hated about this sentiment was that I was left feeling guilty after I shut the door and finally sat down on the couch with my bowl of ice cream. My girls didn’t deserve this hurried end to their day, I wanted them to be at peace and know how loved they were. So when Daddy doesn’t get home for bedtime, I like to take a little extra time to process the day with my toddler once my six month old is asleep for the night. I leave her with the kindest words I can muster and a prayer that I would want prayed over me at the end of my day. We see a lot of each other, but pouring truth and love into her is my job right now, and this is the best way I can produce that. These days are some of the hardest I have endured, but I am frequently struck by how fleeting this time is. I do not always get the process right, I snap at my kids and have to apologize, but one thing I’m trying really hard to do is slow down where it counts.
Ask Jesus for help when things are crumbling. My toddler was having a tantrum and my infant was crying in the car, I was in no place to pull over and so I just started loudly praying “Jesus help us!” I had no other words to offer my kids to make them stop crying so I just kept repeating this phrase until they either stopped or we got to our destination. I frequently have to allow my children see that I am weak and need Jesus’ help. The burden of single parenthood is heavy and unnatural and even Mommy needs Jesus to intervene in her life when the burden gets too heavy. Now, whenever my youngest starts crying in the car, my toddler proclaims “Jesus, help Josi!” and I love the habits she is creating out of my weakness.
I will end with this. Psalm 16:5-6 “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”
Living in this lonely time, away from family, physically and emotionally distanced from my husband, it is hard to declare the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Bad hours are going to be inevitable, but remembering the Lord knows exactly what He has assigned me and our family frees us to know this isn’t forever. I forget often, but each day His mercies are new, it’s just a matter of having eyes to find them.
Emily and her husband Andy live in San Antonio, Texas with their two daughters, Maya and Josi. As a stay at home mom, when Emily can make it out of the house, she likes to take the girls to parks, playdates with friends, and trips for icees during the hot Texas summers.